Christmas Crack and Mistletoe
by WitchyGirl99
Summary: Twas the night before Christmas and Inuyasha is frightened. There are little elves running about, smiling delighted. Kagome is cooking and cleaning and stressed. But the elves will save the day and make Santa impressed. Mistletoe hangs over the doorway with care. And despite what Santa sees, he brings them Christmas love to share. InuKag, oneshot.


**Merry Christmas Everyone! Day 5 (I'm BEHIND I KNOW) of the 12 Days of Witchyness!**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story.

**Author's Note:** ...I apologize for this.

Also, thank you so much** Sami199** for the amazing beta. You're quite brilliant and I thank you endlessly.

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**Christmas Crack and Mistletoe**

**A Christmas Special**

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_Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse–_

**Wait. No that's wrong.** _**Ahem**._

_Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, insanity was brewing and what was running around...was __definitely__ not a mouse._

* * *

When Kagome was a child, she adored Christmas. She adored the holidays, period. People would ring bells and sing songs that even five year olds knew the words to. Houses were decorated and trees were cut down to bring in the smell of the outdoors inside, ornaments from generations past hung up delicately and with care.

And then, the most horrible thing happened.

She got married.

"INUYASHA!" Kagome screamed, running around like someone cut off her head. "I don't have aluminum foil! Oh my goodness I didn't pick up the aluminum foil!"

It wasn't actually the 'married' part that was so bad. In fact, Kagome was never happier with her commitment to one hot and sexy Inuyasha Taisho. They met at a Christmas dinner years ago. It was one of those things where they didn't particularly like the other very much at first. Inuyasha was a dick and Kagome was too defensive for her own good.

And then, mistletoe made an appearance.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" It was bad enough that her best friend Miroku had started it. It was even worse that his girlfriend Sango added to the noise. Soon enough, the entire building was roaring with it.

So they kissed.

And, well, to their embarrassment, they didn't really stop.

Until, of course, Inuyasha's boss threatened to cut his pay if he didn't 'keep it in his pants'. The worst part was that they were completely sober.

That was probably why, when Kagome was so freaked out at the present time over her forgotten foil, she found Inuyasha balanced haphazardly on a small stepladder, attempting to hammer in a tiny nail to hang the mistletoe on. He liked it as an excuse every year to have sex on the floor in the hallway right by the front door.

He was, if anything, an exhibitionist. She should've figured that out when he was trying to undress her in front of friends at their first Christmas party together, when they met.

"Inuyasha, I'm having a major crisis here!" Kagome practically cried, running up to his side with her overstuffed oven mitts on. She wasn't sure why they were on, she just liked them. They were so...fuzzy inside. "I can't bake a _massive fucking _turkey with no aluminum foil! It just can't be done."

"Then we'll have ham instead," Inuyasha replied, shrugging.

Kagome gasped. "First of all, _how DARE you_ insult the Christmas turkey like that? Second, your father clearly stated that he wanted turkey from his daughter-in-law. I refuse to let him down."

"You're ridiculous," Inuyasha replied, smirking down at her fondly. "Seriously, just run up to the convenience store around the block. I'm sure they have it stashed somewhere. That old man Myoga has _everything._"

Checking the time, Kagome decided that if she was quick, she could make it before the pie finished baking in the oven. It was Christmas Eve and she was preparing all of the food that they would need for their big family feast tomorrow. Both Inuyasha's family and her own were coming, including their two best friends Miroku and Sango. It was bound to be utter chaos. _That _was the reason why she didn't like being married. It meant that she was now a responsible adult capable of providing for an entire family and it also meant triple the mouths to feed. Or quadruple. Kagome tried really hard not to think about it.

"Alright I'll be back soon, babe," she said, running to the front door and throwing on her boots and jacket. When a pair of oven mitts flew through the hallway, Inuyasha chuckled and raised the hammer to push the thin nail into the wall.

The problem with this however was that the nail was literally so thin that every time he hit it, it went completely into the wall. He knew that was because of the lack of wooden beam behind it but the mistletoe was so light and he really didn't have the kind of time to figure that shit out.

"Come on," he mumbled, glaring at the hammer before raising his hands to yet again try. He placed the nail against the wall, the hammer just beside it. Perfect. The lightest tap and nothing disastrous happened. Good, now again.

And that's when it happened.

Suddenly, the hammer wasn't beside the nail anymore, it was just to the side. Funnily enough, _he _was moving to the side. But that was impossible because he wasn't moving. His feet were firmly planted on the stepladder that was firmly planted to the floor.

Frowning, Inuyasha looked down – and promptly fell to the floor with a startled yelp. When his ass touched the hardwood floor, he scrambled backwards until his back hit the cupboard. He stared hard at the stepladder, or to be more specific, the _bottom _of it.

Blinking rapidly, Inuyasha took another look.

He then continued to rub his eyes furiously, blinking twice more before looking again.

No, they were still there.

This couldn't be real.

"Holy shit," he cursed, attempting to scramble back more but failing because of the cupboard barrier. "Holy fucking mother of _shit!_"

"Hello!" called out a tiny voice from the floor. "Hello Inuyasha, Merry Christmas!"

There were goddamn elves about two inches tall, waving at him. There had to be at least three hundred of them. They were all gathered around the feet of the stepladder, carrying it somewhere.

"I think you dropped this Inuyasha," one miniature elf said, holding up the mistletoe with another three of its companions, "Mistletoe is very important during Christmas."

All Inuyasha could do was scream. No_,_ it didn't sound girly. And _no,_ he wasn't clutching his hands to his chest as if to protect himself. That just wasn't happening.

"This isn't real. _You_ are not real," he hissed, brown eyes wide in absolute horror. "Oh my god, no you are _not _real. This _isn't _happening."

It seemed like to further convince him, they all – all three hundred of the little bastards – started singing. "Deck the halls with boughs of holly–"

Yeah, like that would help.

"_HOLY SHIT!"_ Inuyasha screamed, and that time it was pretty girly.

The elves snickered, some of them coughing as if to hide it. The one that spoke earlier stepped forward, less than an inch away from his foot. "Inuyasha, my name is Doc and I am a Christmas elf. We, the Elf Collective, are here to help you and your lovely wife Kagome prepare for Christmas."

...The Elf Collective? They were here to help?

"Your name is _Doc?_" Inuyasha asked, shaking his head so hard that his black hair was constantly hitting him in the face. "No, this is... I must have been drugged. Someone put something in the fucking air ducts, I don't know but this? No, I'm totally tripping right now."

And he had to be, right? Because he was imagining three hundred, two-inch tall elves that wore little green jackets outlined in fur with bright red-and-green stripped stockings. Their shoes fucking curled up and had bells attached to them! _Jesus Christ._

"Popo, why don't you put the mistletoe down and see if you can get him some water?" Doc asked, looking uncertainly at Inuyasha before back at his elf companion. "I think he might start hyperventilating soon."

Inuyasha didn't know what to say to that. Yeah, he probably was hyperventilating but there were FUCKING ELVES IN HIS HOUSE. "Okay, so say you are real," he mumbled, resolutely ignoring the chain of elves climbing up his kitchen cupboards to get to the counter. Wow, they were very good at making pyramids. "What are you doing at my house again?"

"He's very slow on the uptake!" a voice piped up.

"Button, don't be rude," Doc said sternly, pointing a finger at one of the many elves now surrounding his feet. Turning back to Inuyasha, the elf smiled politely. "We are here to help you and your lovely wife survive Christmas."

"Why, are you going to kill us?" Inuyasha asked, wide-eyed.

"He's a funny one!"

"Cocoa," Doc sighed.

Three female elves then sauntered up, giggling behind their hands as they approached. "He's _cute_," one of them said, twirling their long blonde hair.

"Cheer, he's all mine," a brunette argued, crossing her tiny arms.

"Oh be quiet the both of you," another one said firmly. "He clearly likes those of us with long black hair." The elf winked at him.

"You have such...odd names," Inuyasha commented faintly, not particularly sure if this new line of conversation was to keep him sane or if he had already gone insane. He wasn't sure.

"Oh! Oh! I'm Joy!" the brunette said, sticking her tongue out at the raven-haired elf.

"I'm whoever you want me to be," the raven-haired elf giggled.

"Holly!" Doc said sternly. "Why don't you help tidy up the house? Clearly Kagome needs help for tomorrow."

"Yes sir!" Cheer, Joy and Holly exclaimed in chorus, scurrying off somewhere.

Inuyasha gulped. "You're real."

Doc nodded absentmindedly. "Of course we are. Who do you think makes all those toys that go under the Christmas tree? The fat man himself doesn't, I'll tell you that."

Inuyasha frowned. Was Santa just dissed? _Ouch._

"Inuyasha, I'm back! Myoga had aluminum foil so we're– OH MY FUCKING GOD!" Kagome shrieked, throwing the foil up in the air as she ran into the wall with massive eyes. "Oh- Oh- Oh my _GOD_! What the _hell_ is going on? Did you...dress up _RATS?_" Her voice was at glass-shattering levels.

"Kagome, um..." What the hell was he going to say? '_No, sweetie, they're actually Santa's elves. They came here to help!' _

Yeah. As if.

"Hello Kagome!" Doc called, climbing on top of Inuyasha's sock-clad food and waving. "Hello there!"

"IT'S TALKING!" Kagome shrieked, jumping up and down and waving her hands like something sticky was on them. "This is so not happening! Inuyasha, did you drug me?"

Well, at least they had the same thought process. "No Kagome, I'm just as freaked out as you are," Inuyasha said, pointedly glaring down at Doc. "Kagome, relax, they're just elves."

Taking in several deep breaths, Kagome put her hands over her eyes for a moment. After she counted to ten, she opened her eyes and stared at her husband. "Oh, they're just elves."

Inuyasha frowned. She took that...relatively well. "Yes, you see this one is Doc. There are three girl elves named, um, something about bells? No, wait, um–"

"HAVE YOU FUCKING LOST YOUR MIND?" And there came the glass-shattering shriek again. "There are no such things as elves!"

"I'm right here Kagome!" Doc yelled, waving both hands in the air and jumping up and down on Inuyasha's foot.

"I see you," Kagome snapped, pointing at him. "It's hard to miss the hoard of you in here._ Hey!_ What are you doing with the water bottle?"

Inuyasha sighed. "They're getting me water." He winced at Kagome's scathing look. "It could be worse," he tried. "At least they're here to help and not...well...kill us."

"Help," Kagome said, twitching even as the word left her lips, "_Help_."

Inuyasha cringed. This could get dangerous.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SHIT I HAVE TO _DO?_"

Doc cleared his throat, standing stock still the moment Kagome turned her big brown eyes at him. "That's why we're _here_," the little elf explained. "We want to help you get all the stuff done!"

"And why me?" Kagome asked, pointing a finger at herself. "Why would anyone want to help me?"

Suddenly, all of the elves laughed out loud, seemingly taking what she said as hilarious.

Kagome growled, hands clenching into fists. "WHAT IS SO FUNNY?"

"Santa looked at your Christmas wish," Button, one of the elves that spoke earlier, said. "And with a family like yours, he thought this was the best gift of all!"

"You do have an insane family," Inuyasha concluded, nodding solemnly. "Your grandfather is nuts."

Cocoa laughed. "Oh, not _that_ side of the family."

The Elf Collective giggled.

Slowly, the corners of Kagome's mouth twitched up. "They have a point Inuyasha. My grandfather is nothing compared to your brother."

Inuyasha huffed. "He is quite the bastard, I do agree."

Clearing his throat, Doc turned around on Inuyasha's foot and crossed his arms. "You know it's that kind of language that continually puts you on Santa's Probation List, right?"

And Inuyasha? Well his jaw sort of dropped at that.

"Santa isn't even real," Inuyasha snapped, narrowing his eyes at the elf. "You're just a bunch of nutcases."

The house became chaos. The elves screamed, tiny high-pitched voices bouncing off the walls while the floor was a mix of green and red running around. Kagome jumped in the air, unsure of what to do once she landed because stepping away could mean killing a poor unsuspecting elf. They were mythical but damn, she was pretty sure crushing them with her feet would lead to death.

That would definitely put her on the naughty list.

"He didn't mean it!" Kagome screamed, glaring at Inuyasha and waving her hands as if to tell him to apologize.

Inuyasha scrunched up his face and crossed his arms. He was _not_ going to apologize. The damn Elf Collective had it coming.

Fucking Santa's Probation List. Fucking elves.

"Hi-yah!"

Suddenly, there was a slight discomfort around his groin and he looked down in horror when he saw two elves punching him over and over again in the balls. Holy shit. Thank god they were two inches tall and couldn't actually hurt him or he'd be seriously worried.

"We need help!" one of them yelled, and then it was like a flood. Elves stopped running in random directions and started to run towards him. Red and green came closer and closer and while Inuyasha was sure two tiny barely-existent fists wouldn't sack him, a couple hundred of them would.

Shuddering, Inuyasha picked up the two elves and moved them, standing up moments later to protect his legacy. Or, what would lead to his legacy, if you wanted to be specific. He looked at Kagome desperately, who only shook her head in disbelief. "What do I do?" he asked, watching the swarm around his feet.

"GET HIM!" one of them shouted.

And then they were climbing up his fucking pants like monkeys on crack. This was not going to lead anywhere good.

"Apologize you idiot!" Kagome replied, frowning worriedly as they started to work as a team to crawl up her husband's legs. "I'm pretty sure they mean business."

"I _REFUSE!_" Inuyasha exclaimed, shaking his legs as best as he could. Some of them fell off, but mostly their elf companions helped to catch them below. It was all battle cries and hectic orders being thrown around.

"Hey look!" Popo yelled, catching everyone's attention. "There's a hole!"

Wide-eyed in horror, Inuyasha watched as the elves lifted up his jeans at the bottom and started to climb underneath the fabric. Oh my god. Oh my god.

"Okay, okay!" Inuyasha said hastily, gently swiping his hands down to push the elves from climbing inside his pants. "I'm sorry I said that. Santa is clearly real! I'm sorry!"

Silence loomed over the house, everything seemingly frozen while the elves skeptically glared at him. It was slightly unnerving so Inuyasha gave a shaky smirk. "Sorry?"

Very slowly, the elves started to climb back down, glaring at Inuyasha intently.

"Um, who wants to help me prepare for Christmas?" Kagome asked, shrugging at Inuyasha who rolled his eyes. How else was she going to deviate their attention?

"Let's make a list!" Button cheered.

"And we'll check it twice," Cheer added.

Inuyasha crossed his arms and rolled his eyes yet again. "And then we'll fucking check who's naughty or _nice_."

"Santa Claus is coming to town!" the Elf Collective sang, cheering and whooping at the end like this was the biggest celebration ever.

Unable to help herself, Kagome laughed. This was definitely going to be an interesting Christmas.

* * *

Three hours later and Kagome had made the stuffing, put the freshly baked cookies on the cooling rack, finished the pie and wrapped the last of her presents for the family. Inuyasha had done the heavy lifting, pushing furniture aside to set up the dining room where the two families would eat as one and the living room, where everyone would sit to open presents. The elves were more than helpful, dusting every shelf and removing lost items that fell behind the couches. They helped Kagome prepare the food for tomorrow and by eleven o'clock at night, the couple were more than ready to head in for a decent night's sleep.

"So," Kagome started, looking down at around one hundred elves who sat with her in the kitchen. "Will you be here tomorrow?"

The elves gave a collective shrug.

"Doesn't Santa need you to make toys?" she prodded, figuring if she ever wanted secrets about Santa that this would be the way to do it.

Doc stepped out from the group, narrowing his eyes at her. "Probably, but this was for you and Santa wanted us to help."

Inuyasha strode in a moment later, lifting the hem of his shirt up to wipe at his face. "How the hell do you even make all those toys?" he asked. "I mean, you're two-inches tall. Most toys are like four-hundred times bigger than you are."

One of the elves stepped up, pointing a tiny finger at him. "It's Santa's secret."

"I bet," Inuyasha scoffed, rolling his eyes and placing his hand gently on Kagome shoulder. "Bed time?"

Nodding, Kagome felt somewhat sad as she looked at the elves that made the night so much more bearable. "Will you be here?" she asked again.

Doc looked around at the collective of elves that had been growing since all of the chores were done. All three hundred of them stared back with big smiles. Turning to face Kagome, he smiled himself. "You never know," he replied cheekily.

Scowling, Inuyasha mumbled something about praying they wouldn't be and tugged Kagome upwards. "Goodnight elves," Inuyasha said, sighing when they all waved excitedly at him.

"Yes, have a good sleep," Kagome added, smiling gently before waving back herself. As the two of them went to leave the kitchen, the Elf Collective suddenly gasped loudly, horrified.

Inuyasha groaned. "What the fuck now?"

Doc looked mildly offended but it was Cocoa that explained. "The mistletoe was right there and you _ignored it_!"

"What–" Kagome looked up to see the constant Christmas decoration hanging above the doorway. She smiled despite herself, looking at Inuyasha. "Did you put this up?"

The irritated frown left his face, making his face softer as he examined the green leaves. "Well, yeah. I do it every year. It's how we fell in love." Suddenly he made a face. "That sounded very Hallmark."

The elves made long, exaggerated _'aww' _noises.

Kagome rolled her eyes. "It's how we started talking," she corrected, shaking her head in amusement. "I thought you were an ass and you thought I was a drama queen."

"You are a drama queen," Inuyasha pointed out. He shrugged. "Either way."

One of the elves cleared their throat loudly. "Kagome, I'm pretty sure he means the mistletoe was how _he_ fell in love." There was a silence as the elves held their breath, Inuyasha's murderous glare descending down on them. "…Or not?"

"Is it?" Kagome asked gently, nudging her husband's shoulder to get his attention back. Her fingers poked at his cheek, finally forcing his dark eyes to meet hers.

Inuyasha shrugged again. "There's a possibility I thought you were mildly attractive – although overly dramatic – before we made out under the mistletoe at that Christmas party."

Obviously haven't not learned their lesson, the elves _aww_'ed. Suddenly, a little voice piped up through the madness. "Kiss!"

"Kiss!"

"Kiss!"

A chant, scarily similar to the one at the corporate party years ago, filled the kitchen. The elves were jumping up and down, little pom-poms bouncing and bells jingling. It was a sea of red and green, surrounding the kitchen and hovering by their feet. "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"

Laughing, Kagome tugged on Inuyasha's top, pulling him closer. His hands wrapped around her waist, holding her close while he smiled against her lips. The first brush was a tease, years of being together bringing a familiarity that had their bodies humming in time with each other, heartbeats accelerating as one. It was Inuyasha who pressed harder, tugging her lower lip into his mouth and sucking. Kagome's small noises of approval made him bring her closer, align their hips, push her against the side of the doorway. His hands skirted along the bottom of her shirt, the pads of his fingers brushing along burning skin.

Popo cleared his throat, patting Doc on the shoulder to get the other elf's attention. "I think this would be a good time to leave. They don't look like they're stopping."

The elf just shook his head and nodded, exasperated. "I guess it's all about the love Christmas brings, right everyone?"

"Right!" the elves cheered in response.

"Let's head out Collective, on the count of three," Doc yelled, trying to keep his eyes from looking at the man and woman now on the floor, possibly partially naked. "One! Two! Three!"

"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!" the Elf Collective cheered. The elves as one all wiggled their noses and tapped the side of it twice. In a puff of white smoke, they were gone.

Kagome pushed Inuyasha away for a second, blinking hazily as she looked around the kitchen floor. "Oh, they must have gone."

"Thank fuck."

"Inuyasha, this is why you're on the Probation List."

Her husband rolled his eyes, biting at her jaw. "After tonight, I'm definitely going to be put on the naughty list."

Kagome groaned, but more out of horror from the terrible, terrible joke.

"Merry Christmas, Kagome," Inuyasha whispered against her skin, smirking.

All of a sudden, loud and content sighs came from somewhere beside them. Inuyasha pushed up onto his elbows and turned his head, twitching fiercely when the three female elves from before all sat there, watching dazedly.

"Girls, this is the best Christmas ever," Holly murmured, eyes focused on Inuyasha's topless body.

"You tell it, sister," Joy said.

"Just wait until the pants come off," Cheer added. "Then we'll really have a holly-jolly Christmas."

And so, Inuyasha promptly picked up his loving wife from the kitchen floor and started to run to the bedroom. It was only because of a second thought that he returned, grabbed the mistletoe from where it hung and then raced up to the bedroom. The three elves giggled and with a nose wiggle and two taps, they went back to the North Pole.

* * *

_They sprang to the bedroom, the elves forgotten,_

_And away went their clothes, the silk and the cotton._

_Santa arrived to such a strange, frisky sight,_

_He shouted, 'Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!'_

* * *

_(Because clearly, that's what they were having – rudely interrupted by the man in the red suit or not)._

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**Feedback is love.**


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